What do Gayla Peevey, LeAnn Rimes and Kacey Musgraves have in common? If Sirius Satellite Radio can be trusted, the trio of singers wants hippopotamuses for Christmas.
I found myself stuck in my car for five hours last Friday inching over ice-covered roads on my way to pick up the paper at our printing press in Grafton, N.D.
Vehicles – not the dozen or so lining the ditches along Interstate 29 – were zipping past around 35 mph, so I had plenty of time to catch up on Christmas tunes on my five-hour journey.
Somewhere around Buxton, sandwiched between a little Nat King Cole and Bing Crosby, Peevey’s 1953 holiday hit “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” came on the radio.
I hadn’t made it past Minto, N.D., when Rimes invaded the airwaves to tell me that the 40-year-old crooner wanted one of Africa’s large semiaquatic mammals for Christmas, too.
Less than two hours later, on my way back, Musgraves, another country singer, revealed she also had to have a 3,000-pound herbivore for the holidays.
What am I missing? I asked Santa for a couple polos and two workout shirts this year.
Being stuck in a car with no one to talk to for five hours makes the mind wander and I started thinking about the likelihood of requesting and receiving a hippopotamus for Christmas.
The costs and legal loopholes a person would need to jump through to care for a herd of hippopotamuses in North Dakota would be insurmountable, right?
Well, if there’s one newspaper editor in this state foolish enough get to the bottom of that question, and waste the time of our public employees, it’s me.
You’re welcome.
First, I needed to find out whether we already had hippopotamuses in the area, so I called` Traill County Sheriff’s Department Chief Deputy Tony Ernst.
Our most ardent readers will remember that a hunter killed a mountain lion near Hillsboro in 2017. Two years earlier, authorities debunked rumors of a kangaroo running loose near Hatton. (No, seriously. We ran a story on this.)
If reports of lions and kangaroos could be filed in Traill County, why not hippopotamuses?
Sadly, there have been no credible reports of hippos near Hillsboro, Ernst told me.
“I read all the paperwork that comes through here and I’m pretty sure I would have remembered a mention of a hippopotamus,” Ernst said.
“We have enough problems with dog calls. I don’t know where we’d take a hippo.”
OK, so we appear to have no hippopotamuses in the area – for now.
But how much would it cost to buy and feed one if we were lucky enough to find one for sale?
According to the website Animalia Facts, a common hippo costs about $100,000 and needs about 20 acres of land – with a watering hole – for a suitable habitat.
And, you know, for it not to be minus-25 degrees outside and snowing every other day.
I popped into Traill County Tax Director Kayla Knudson’s office Tuesday and asked how much we’d have to spend to buy 20 acres of land to set up a cozy home for our hippo.
According to Knudson, land in Traill County is selling for between $3,100 and $12,500 an acre.
So we’re going to need $62,000 to $250,000 to buy land for our hippo habitat.
I thought maybe I could save our readers a few bucks in property taxes, because the land would need a wetlands area, but an amused Knudson squashed that theory.
“If you dig a waterhole in a pasture it doesn’t get a tax discount because it’s not natural, it’s man made,” she said. “There are no discounts for hippo watering holes. I’m sorry.”
She didn’t sound sorry. I’m crossing her off our list of people who want hippopotamuses for Christmas.
Animalia Facts also reported we’re going to have to feed our hippos about 100 pounds of vegetation a day, which could cost as much as $19,000 per year.
When we combine all our expenses, we’re looking at a minimum of $180,000 to purchase and care for a hippopotamus in our first year of ownership.
That probably rules out every journalist in North Dakota, but Rimes reportedly has a net worth of $38 million. So, even though she lives in California, she can probably afford one.
But what about the rest of us? How do we get a hippopotamus into the Peace Garden State?
Fortunately, one of my colleagues began researching the issue after seeing one of my Facebook posts.
Allison Olimb, editor at the Walsh County Press in Park River, N.D., informed me that neither of us could own a skunk or raccoon in North Dakota, but we could get a permit for a wolverine.
Although unwrapping a wolverine on Christmas morning rarely ends well. Trust me.
But nothing Olimb found online mentioned whether hippopotamuses were cleared to enter the state.
For that information, Olimb said, I’d need to reach out to the state Department of Agriculture.
And that brings us to Beth Carlson, deputy state veterinarian for the State Board of Animal Health and the North Dakota Department of Agriculture in Bismarck.
Carlson either has a fantastic sense of humor or a tremendous dedication to serving the public, because she answered my questions about bringing a hippopotamus into the state in stride.
Hippos, Carlson said, would be considered “non-traditional livestock,” and a request to bring them into the state would have to be approved by an advisory council that included representatives from the North Dakota Game and Fish Department and zoos in the state, among others.
Carlson has been in her role with the State Board of Animal Health since 2004 and the state has not had a single request to bring a hippopotamus into North Dakota the past 18 years.
Obviously, this state does not have enough hippopotamus-deprived singers living in it.
Carlson did provide a bit of good news for would-be hippo owners, however.
Regardless of the type of animal – or the number of animals owned – the fee for a non-traditional livestock license in North Dakota is $15 per species per year, she said.
So, if I am understanding Carlson correctly, she’s hinting that if you’re planning to buy a hippopotamus, you might as well buy 10 of them, since the fee will be the same.
I thanked Carlson, who seemed to get a kick out of our exchange.
She told me that my hard-hitting questions were the most entertaining ones she’s ever received from the media, so I’m fairly certain she’s joining Rimes in her ongoing quest to buy a hippopotamus.
I’ll probably sit this round out, although I’ve been hearing a great deal on the radio this week about a certain reindeer with a red, shiny nose that’s so bright that people even say it glows.
I may reach out and ask Carlson about the rules for owning a reindeer in North Dakota.
Olimb messaged me Wednesday afternoon to tell me there’s already a reindeer ranch near Drayton.
