What Makes Covert Narcissist Traits Different?

Covert narcissist traits may reflect a different subtype or more subtle presentation of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The traits remain consistent, though, with the overt grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy in NPD that's described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-5).

Though they are less obvious to spot than classic narcissists, covert narcissists can be frustrating to deal with and cause you to question your own mental health. A covert narcissist may appear to be:

• Shy, inhibited, and socially withdrawn
• Distressed over feelings of inadequacy
• Expressing low self-worth but secretly engaged in self-absorbed grandiosity
  

This article discusses covert narcissist traits and how to handle someone who has them. It also explains the difference between covert and overt (apparent or obvious) narcissism and what to do if you suspect you are involved with a covert narcissist.

What Is Covert Narcissism?

Covert narcissism is a lesser-known form of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It is sometimes referred to as quiet narcissism or vulnerable narcissism.

NPD is a condition in which someone harbors an inflated sense of self-importance (grandiose self). Their priorities and the things they say reflect:

• Fantasies of success and power
• Assertion of brilliance or genius
• Inordinate attention to their beauty
• The need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement
• Envy of others
• A lack of empathy

Although estimates vary, up to 6.2% of people in community samples demonstrate NPD traits.

People with covert narcissism share many of these traits and, as a result, may have difficulty developing and maintaining relationships. However, instead of arrogance and self-importance, covert narcissists are often shy and withdrawn. They tend to be thin-skinned and hold grudges. They also may appear to focus attention on others when it's actually attention they seek for themselves.

Their vulnerability as narcissists is reflected in anger and aggression, envy, helplessness, feelings of emptiness, low self-esteem, and shame. Suicidal thoughts may be part of the pattern.

Covert narcissists may engage in manipulation and other toxic behaviors to get their way and get the desired feedback to support their self-image, just as overt narcissists do. 

Recognizing Covert Narcissist Traits

There isn’t a clear-cut test for narcissistic personality disorder. Diagnosis of overt NPD is based on evidence of the behaviors and traits of the condition as outlined in the DSM-5.

A covert narcissist will do and say things that demonstrate their sense of superiority, though often through passive-aggressive behaviors. They may speak of being influential, famous, or important, or exaggerate their abilities, talents, and accomplishments. At the same time, they may be feeling just the opposite: inadequate, anxious, depressed, and believing the world owes them something.

In one study, 436 people described experiences in close relationships with narcissists and the kinds of things they say to them, both overt and covert narcissists alike. The remarks included:

• “He appears to be very confident, but must have compliments and reassuring statements and what not, several times a day.”
• “They have resentment for people who are happy; seeing anyone happy or doing great things with their life makes them jealous and angry.”
• “He will also have episodes of deep depression where he shuts himself off from human contact. He will hide in his room or disappear in his sleeper semi-truck for days."
• "It was an endless minefield of eggshells."

Identifying covert narcissism on the basis of similar kinds of statements can be helpful.

Overt vs. Covert Narcissist Traits

It can be challenging to identify NPD because people with narcissism don't typically see their traits as symptoms. People with NPD also may be highly functioning, which may mislead those around them from thinking they have a disorder.

The difference between these two types of narcissism is in the expressions of their underlying feelings. The overt narcissist may be thought of as the extroverted narcissist or the one who outwardly and directly displays narcissistic behaviors, like bullying, demands, and manipulation. The covert is the introverted “closet narcissist” or the shy, hypersensitive, and socially isolated narcissist.

Some narcissists may go back and forth between overt and covert presentations. Keep in mind that no two people with covert narcissism will have the exact same symptoms, either.

Causes

Exactly what causes NPD is not fully understood. It is likely a combination of factors that influence mental health conditions in general. These include:

• Genetics (family history)
• Early childhood trauma (verbal, physical, or sexual abuse)
• Challenging early relationships and developmental experiences
• Individual traits, including resilience, stress, or emotional control

Covert narcissist traits may be more common among some personality types. An individual's innate temperament also may be a factor in their susceptibility to developing narcissism, reflected in their response to triggers like anger or envy over another person's achievements.

Co-Occuring Conditions in Covert Narcissism

Manifestations of covert narcissist traits can overlap with certain other mental health illnesses. Common mental health illness diagnoses that can co-occur with covert narcissism include disorders sometimes called the "cluster B" conditions:

• Borderline personality disorder
• Antisocial personality disorder
• Histrionic personality disorder

They also can occur alongside:

• Depressive disorders
• Bipolar disorder
• Other personality disorders
  
• Substance use disorders
  

These co-occurring mental health conditions can make it particularly challenging for clinicians, let alone friends and family, to pinpoint where the problems stem from.

For example, feelings of self-importance and an unrealistic sense of your abilities and capabilities are also signs of mania in bipolar disorder, although, in mania, these traits tend to be restricted to the manic episode and not more persistent as they are in NPD.

Covert Narcissism in Relationships

People with covert narcissism can come across as cold, callous, or uncaring. These are three challenging behaviors. Needing constant validation to manage self-esteem can be draining on both people in a relationship. 

Relationships, then, may be unstable and unhealthy for people with narcissistic personality disorder and the people in their lives.

For the person with NPD, recognizing there is a problem in themselves is the first step towards recovering. If they have the willingness to change, psychotherapy, including individual, couple, and group therapy can help.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline notes that while narcissism is one of the more common terms associated with domestic violence or abuse, NPD is not a reason or an excuse for abuse.

How to Deal With a Covert Narcissist

Dealing with someone with covert narcissist traits or NPD can be challenging. Whether it’s a coworker, friend, spouse, parent, or child, narcissistic personality disorder may get in the way of having a healthy relationship. These are some ways to help develop a healthier relationship dynamic:

• Set clear boundaries: Since the person with NPD may not be capable of true reciprocity and recognizing your needs, you may have to set clear boundaries with realistic limitations and expectations on relationship participation and activity. You may decide for your own well-being that you need to put more space between you and this person. 
• Avoid making excuses: If you’re emotionally close to the person with NPD, it can be difficult if you feel as though you need to defend their actions and explain the positives in the other person. While mental illnesses are not a choice, they don't excuse poor or harmful behavior. Keep in mind this person’s behavior is not a reflection of you.
• Don't try to fix them: A person with a personality disorder isn’t broken, and you can’t fix them. Trying to change something you can’t is a recipe for disaster. Only the person with narcissistic behaviors is the one who can ultimately change.
• Seek some support: The closer you are to a narcissist, the more difficult it can be to see things as they really are. Surround yourself with healthy people and avoid isolating yourself. Having others around can help give you a different perspective when you’re being gaslit or manipulated.
• Learn more about personality disorders: Personality disorders are complex. Learning about NPD can help raise awareness about what to watch for and can help you decide when to seek help or when it may be time to exit the relationship.

Summary

Covert narcissism is a more subtle type of narcissism. An overt narcissist wears their need for admiration, validation, and sense of self-importance on their sleeve. The expression of these needs and vulnerability in a covert narcissist is more hidden and internal.

Covert narcissists may not be aware of their toxic behaviors or they may not know their behavior is stemming from a personality disorder. This isn’t an excuse for acting in hurtful ways, but it is something to keep in mind when dealing with a narcissist.

Being in a relationship when you have NPD or with someone with NPD can be particularly difficult, but not impossible. If both people want to work on changing, progress is possible. Consider professional counseling or talking to someone for support.