This is going to sound like hyperbole, but it isn’t. The very worst thing about the ongoing climate change crisis is Cartoon Network’s decision to make every episode of Captain Planet available digitally. If we had all got our act together and managed to sort out this mess, Captain Planet would be an anachronism. We wouldn’t need to see his stupid blue face, or hear his stupid theme tune, or endure any more of his stupid, too-literal sermonising ever again. But, instead, he will be on Amazon Prime soon. Well done, everybody.
My God, Captain Planet was the worst. Of course, you might disagree with this, because you were raised in the 1990s and are gripped by a violent desire to defend everything from that time as unimpeachably perfect. You have a foggy memory of the Captain Planet theme tune and that’s enough for you, because you are a Kangol-hat-wearing clod . Trust me, I have just been watching episodes of Captain Planet, and it is the worst.
First, Captain Planet has not aged well. We like our superheroes gritty now. We like to see all their underlying torment laid out before us like a depressing misery-buffet. Batman has to scowl. Wolverine has to suffer. Even Superman is a city-destroying murderer these days. Captain Planet, meanwhile, is a benevolent dolphin of a thing. He smiles constantly. He dresses like one of Paula Abdul’s backing dancers. Let him loose into the contemporary superhero scene and he wouldn’t stand a chance. He would be like a domesticated budgie flying back into the jungle. He would be massacred within seconds.
Also – and I cannot overstate this enough – Captain Planet was useless. His entire modus operandi was to rid the world of pollution, but his only known weakness was – you have guessed it – pollution. What sort of messed-up situation is that? He’s scuppered at every turn. It is like putting Superman to work exclusively as a kryptonite distributor. It doesn’t make any sense. Captain Planet has super strength and the ability to fly. He would be much better served zapping around the world kicking terrorists’ heads off. But, oh no, go and make yourself ill next to a burst pipeline instead, you tit.
No wonder he barely did anything. Captain Planet might genuinely count as history’s laziest superhero. You will remember that He-Man’s catchphrase was: “I have the power.” Meanwhile, Captain Planet’s was “The power is yours”, which he often yelled at kids before buggering off to wherever it is he is supposed to have come from. Nice one, Captain Planet. You are the infinitely powerful superbeing with the ability to effect meaningful change but, no, you’re right, go and delegate everything to some children instead. As a catchphrase, “The power is yours” is basically, “You do it” or “Listen, I would, but I’ve got a thing.”
In fairness, an element of this laziness was probably justified, because Captain Planet’s enemies were arguably as terrible as he was. Betty Blight was a mad scientist who could control the weather, but was so inept that she needed to take a side-job as a lounge singer to make money. Verminous Skumm was basically a low-level drug dealer. Duke Nukem’s biggest crime was possibly his taste in shirts. That’s it. Send literally any other superhero after these no-marks and they would be brought to justice within an hour or two. Captain Planet had 113 episodes, and still managed to create exactly zero permanent solutions. Screw you, Captain Planet. You are an annoying distraction, plus your hair is rubbish.
Ostensibly, Captain Planet is being released digitally to coincide with Earth Day. Far be it for me to dictate your behaviour, but you’d probably be better off commemorating Earth Day by fishing cans out of a lake or something. I know nostalgia is telling you otherwise, but you really shouldn’t waste your time on this pointless blue oaf.
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